Lucia is a dating and relationship expert specializing in Cougar relationships. She is the #1 Cougar Expert in the world. She has one of the top 10 shows on L.A. Talk Radio, is the author of “Lucia's Lessons of Love”, a keynote speaker and a syndicated columnist.
Ask Lucia a question.
Hi Lucia,
I was out a few weeks ago and
thought I was being hit on by an older woman. We talked for a while and
she seemed to really enjoy our conversation. She was the one who initiated the
conversation, and after a while I assumed she was interested in me. I did
get the old "That is so funny!" while she reached out and touched my
arm.
A friend of hers came over and
made a comment about her talking to me, and she ended up saying something to
the effect of "Are you kidding me? No way! He’s a baby!!" I’m 21 and was absolutely puzzled.
I have no idea how to read an
older woman and now my likeliness to approach one has gone WAY down. Is there
any way to not embarrass myself in the future? How does a male tell if an older
woman is interested without the "I’m old enough to be your mother."
answer? Evan Hall
Hi Evan,
The fact that she touched you is
a good sign. If a woman isn’t interested
in a man, she doesn’t want to touch him.
I think what happened is that she
thought her friend might not approve, so she pretended to not be
interested. You can’t underestimate a
woman’s need to protect her reputation. The other possibility is that she enjoyed the attention and flirting,
but genuinely wasn’t interested.
Don’t give up just because you
were shot down once. Most older women
feel a 21 year old is too young, so when you first meet a woman, if she asks
your age, say something like: I’m old enough to know you’re someone I’d
like to get to know. Once you’ve
shown her that you are a mature, young man, you can reveal your age.
Hi Lucia,
Like any other young Cub who has entered our seemingly sinful and joyful world of Cougar/Cubs, I find it hard to meet and/or approach older women. What do I look for to see if a woman is interested in a younger man and what’s the best way to approach a woman in a public setting like that. Biggie
Hi Biggie,
If you’d like to date a Cougar, the first thing you have to realize is that although the lifestyle may be joyful, it’s not sinful. If that’s your perception, it will be a big turnoff, so you may want to re-think your perspective.
Approaching a Cougar is the same as approaching any woman, but it’s actually easier, because she will most likely be receptive even if she’s not interested. Older women understand that it takes a lot for a man to risk rejection in public, so they will try to make it as painless as possible.
After looking to make sure she’s not wearing a ring, strike up a situational conversation. This means, if you’re standing in line somewhere, ask about the event: Have you heard if this is a good movie? Do you know if the eggplant sandwich is good? Do not start with a compliment, because there’s not much she can say to that except, “Thank you”.
If she seems receptive to talking with you, ask for her number, saying you’d like to get to know her better. If she’s interested and available, she’ll give it to you but if she’s not, she’ll have a good excuse.
Hi Lucia,
I’m 24 and I've been dating a woman who is twice my age for about twelve months. Thus far, my parents don't know about her though they are aware I am seeing someone. They have continued to ask if they could at least see a picture of her but I have always refused.
Recently, my parents have become more adamant to see who I'm dating and it's been evolving into a more contentious issue. Would you recommend me showing my parents a photo which could possibly alter our close relationship, or should I continue to be vague and secretive. Mike
Hi Mike,
I have to laugh at the last sentence in your email. You say you have a close relationship and yet you are being vague and secretive. Isn’t that a contradiction?
I would suggest you speak to them first before showing a photo. Do not begin by saying you’re dating a woman twice you age, as you did in your email. Tell them the truth: that you were afraid to tell them who you were dating because you thought it would alter your relationship and you didn’t want that to happen.
At this point they may start to think you’re gay, so tell them it’s a woman who is quite a few years older. If they ask how many, say it’s not polite to reveal a woman’s age, but you’d be happy to show them a photo. Go from there and let me know what happens.
Hi Lucia,
I dated a much younger guy a couple of times about a year ago. I was attracted to him, our dates went well, but I viewed him as a partying type.
Since our last date, he called me about four times to touch base. He was having financial problems and had moved out of town. Recently, he contacted me again after having moved back here.
During this call, he told me he missed me, had been thinking about me for a long time, loved me and wanted to marry me. I told him that he had not really called me that much over the last year for me to believe that missed me. He said he had been moving around to get financially on track and he would start calling me again.
The last few days, he has been calling, but it still feels strange. He talks about making a life with someone, being lonely, not wanting an uncaring or flighty type, and feeling like he wasted the last ten years of his life partying and spending money.
I’m single and would like to have the right guy. I don’t want to date anyone who is insincere about me. It's been a long journey to get to this point and I can pretty much see the guys coming who want the ruby instead of the diamond. Should I continue to talk to this guy if I suspect this is what is going on? I am feeling a little cautious about the whole thing. Cautious
Hi Cautious,
Good for you for listening to your feelings instead of just going with the chemistry. When trying to figure out what to do, first look at what your gut feelings are, then look at the person’s actions and only then, look at their words.
You are right in being cautious. His words are totally out of context with his actions. If you had been dating for at least a year in the same city and then he said he wanted to marry you, that would be one thing, but his marriage talk is currently out of left field.
You can certainly continue to talk to him and go out, but until you’ve been dating consistently for a year or so, don’t take his marriage talk seriously.
Dear Lucia,
I'm a nineteen year old male from England, and for the past year or so I've found myself becoming increasingly attracted to older women. At first I just counted them among the many girls I found attractive and didn't think much more of it, as all young men do, but over time I found myself appreciating their beauty and maturity more and more, and now I feel like it may be time to finally take the plunge and begin dating them.
However, one thing that keeps coming back to me is the idea of cougars as being very sexual beings who want lots of fun and enjoyment in bed. As I am still a virgin, since I prefer to think of sex as something meaningful between two people who care very much for one another rather than as part of a random fling, some part of me feels that I may disappoint them there due to my lack of experience. While that makes me feel a little hesitant about getting involved with an older woman, I also know that I feel more attracted to them than many of the girls my own age. Do you have any advice for me?
Hi Sam,
I would suggest that you let the woman know sooner rather than later that you are a virgin. Some Cougars are only seeking sexually experienced men, but a few are willing to "work" with a virgin if they are interested. Don't be shy or embarrassed. There's nothing wrong with it and we were all virgins at one point!
Dear Lucia,
I met a very, very attractive successful younger man on line who lives in another state. We have passed the last several months talking via phone, email and IM. He has already said he will fly out to visit with me, which I am looking forward to. He is 26 years old. Can this really work?
I tried asking my girl friends and family members but everyone just laughed and said, “No”. I am a hopeless romantic. Am I reading too much into this? Hoping in Florida
Dear Hoping,
There is nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic, as long as you are also a cautious romantic! When you ask if this can work, I’m assuming you mean as a relationship. That will depend on his level of maturity and what he’s looking for at this point in his life. While some 26 year old men are ready to settle down, most aren’t.
Let him show you who he is. Are the majority of your conversations sexual? How hard will he be pushing to have sex when he comes to visit? If you get the vibe that it’s just about sex, then it is. A guy who is interested in a relationship will not want to offend you by bringing up sex too soon and too much.
As usual, time will tell. So just lean back, relax and watch to see if he’s interested in you, or just in sleeping with you.
Dear Lucia,
I’m dating a man who is five years younger than me and not settled in his life yet. He is definitely the pursuer in this relationship – calling me, setting up dates and even surprising me with events for us to [go to]. I’m 38 and he is 32 although we don’t look much different in age. Should I stop seeing him because of the age difference? When does an age gap become too big? Suzie
Dear Suzie,
You said you don’t look much different in age. This tells me he is probably your first younger man, otherwise, you wouldn’t be so concerned about what you look like together. As long as he treats you well and you have great chemistry, who cares what you look like as a couple? Your friends will know what the age difference is, so the only people you’re concerned about are strangers. You can’t live your life trying to look good in the eyes of people you’ll probably never see again. Besides, they’re probably jealous!
Secondly, you mentioned that he is 32 and not yet settled. These days, a lot of 32-year-olds aren’t settled – male or female. You have to ask yourself some questions: When do I want to be married by? Do I want to have children? When? Is he motivated and working toward security and stability or is he still into behaving as if he were in college? What are his long-term goals? What are your long-term goals? If you want to be married within the next 2 years, then you need to ask yourself if he could possibly be "The One." If not, are you willing to simply stay and enjoy the moment knowing that eventually you’ll have to move on? Not every relationship has to lead to marriage.
Finally, when does an age gap become too big? Well, six years is not that much of an age difference and will become even less so as you get older. It’s not about age. It’s about compatibility.
In the end, to have a great relationship you need to have two people who appreciate each other and feel lucky to be together, no matter what the age difference may be. To quote the late Aaliyah, "Age ain’t nothin’ but a number."
